Sunday, December 13, 2009

Innocence

It seems like there's always that time (actually, multiple times) in my life where I think "wow, so that's how the world really is, huh?". And I get an overwhelming sense of complete and utter negativity and hopelessness. I'd blame it on my pessimism, but in all honestly, I believe that my negativity towards all things came from the loss of my innocence.

Most people believe innocence is lost when, gasp!, they lose their virginity. But, I don't believe that to be true. Sure, in your head you'll convince yourself that you feel older, and more experienced. But in reality, you're still just a little kid who's fooling around with some adult pastimes. I think that innocence is lost the moment we realize that the world is not a pretty place, people are capable of such evil things that are unimaginable, and sometimes there simply just aren't happy endings after all.

Sometimes I feel like a seventy year old woman living in the body of a sixteen year old girl. Surrounded in school by kids my age who really aren't like me at all. I've realized things already that I probably never should have. And I've noticed that for some strange reason, it's rained on this day for the past 3 years..

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Monday, November 23, 2009

Sippin' on gin and juice.

I'm thoroughly convinced that any type of alcohol is the juice of the devil. As if the devil even drinks juice, that is. But, I can guarantee that if you took a joy ride down to hell, you'd see him guzzling down vodka. Most likely not bud light though, he's too bad ass for that. Also, it takes like dirty gym socks (not that I'd know what dirty gym socks even taste like, but it's what I imagine). I've also been thoroughly convinced that parties and small friend get-togethers are only created to give us the idea that we actually belong. Combine "devil's juice" with the feeling of some type of belonging, and you have some happy drunk bitches.

Combine me with some devils juice, and I'm only buzzed, confused, and smiling dumbly at everyone. Therefore, I'm the babysitter of the drunk bitches. After my experience last night, I'm thinking I could have a successful job as a preschool teacher. Or the leader of an alcohols' anonymous group. However, I'll let that opportunity pass me by. With me only being drunk once before, I wasn't sure what I'd expect as I was driving to the party. By the end of the night, I thought that I had discovered the evolution of drunks:

1. Stumble around the room saying "I'm not drunk, I'm just tipsy"
2. Piss on nearby tree outside.
3. Turn on music and begin dancing crazily.
4. Apologize repeatedly telling the people who aren't drunk how much they mean to you.
5. Piss on nearby tree outside.
7. Blurt out random secret that you probably shouldn't be telling
8, Start sobbing and admit to how much you still love your ex.
10. Threaten to piss on items that are inside.
11. Accuse everyone of hiding the alcohol that in reality, has been gone for hours.
The rest is history.....

Eventually your little preschoolers will agree to go to sleep. That'll be around 3 in the morning though. Maybe I didn't have fun because I wasn't completely shit faced like them, but if I had been, I'd be extremely disappointed in myself. Whether you drink to avoid your problems, or really just enjoy peeing yourself and trying to hit on everyone in the room; surely there are better ways to have fun. Is it hypocritical of me to say this? Of course. But is it true? Definitely.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

All apologies

Words are what they will always be, simply just words. And apologies are even worse. Just a bunch of useless words strung along into a sentence. A sentence that's actually supposed to mean something. A sentence falling from the mouth of the person who wishes for forgiveness. And who are they really asking for forgiveness from? Themselves. Apologies seem like such selfish acts, that I'd almost rather have no apology than one at all.

How bad do you really feel about breaking Mr. Jones' window? If he hadn't been there to see you accidentally hit the baseball through his window, wouldn't you have just ran away before anyone could notice what you did? The only reason you'd be apologizing is in fear of what punishment is yet to come for yourself. Do you really feel sorry for calling Amber, the girl who you've been jealous of for years, a slut? Of course not. You were only sorry when she found out that you did, and her friends decided to confront you in front of the entire cafeteria. Do you really, truly, feel bad for breaking that one girls heart? The girl who you'd hold so tightly as if you'd never let go, but only a month later pat her on her back and send her on her way?

Nearly two years, and countless seasons have gone by. Countless times I've reached out, only to be pushed away. And now that he's finally found someone, somewhere to belong, he pities how I'm still left searching. We apologize when we can't stand looking at ourselves in the mirror, remembering the horrible things we've done. Not when we look into the eyes of the person who we've hurt, and only see pain looking back at us. You're not sorry. You will never be sorry.

You can stick your sorries in the sack, mister.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Some things never change

Misty pillows of cold air float up from our mouths into the night sky. I watch you from the glow of the street lights, take a match out of your pocket. Then you slowly pull a neatly folded piece of notebook paper out afterwards. I stare intently, a smirk on my face, as your hands fumble; balancing both the paper and the match. As discussed earlier, your plan is to destroy this clean, fragile, piece of paper. You try striking the match, but no sparks, nothing. I lightly tap you on the shoulder. You stop, and turn towards me. I look up at you, wide-eyed and hopeful. You can tell what I want. I want to read the letter just one more time, before it becomes just hot ash sifting across the ground. Your thoughts and feelings, gone. Your pretty handwriting, that’s sprawled across the page. Words written with gold gel pen. Words that I’d never be able to lay my eyes on again. Only memorable phrases that stick to my mind. I can tell that you’re going over the idea of actually letting me hold the paper a few times in your head. Cautiously, you hand me the paper. The second it reaches my palm, I tightly grasp my fingers around it, flash a devilish grin, and sprint off in the opposite direction.

Knowing this type of thing could happen, you pull me back to you. And automatically try to wrestle it from my hands. Minutes pass, and we’re still in the same spot. Pulling, and tugging. My lungs burn from laughter, and I hear you half grunt, half laugh, in frustration. A smile spread across your face. By now, I know the paper is a wrinkled mess. More wrinkled and weak than a person over the age of 100 years old. I almost don’t mind what happens to the paper, I just want to be able to hold your smooth hands in mine. But the game continues, and I try to escape again for one quick second. Just enough time to slip the piece of paper down into my shirt, without you realizing where it went.

You look at me, your eyes and smile confused. You want to know where the paper went. I look into your deep brown eyes, and slightly shrug. By now, our smiles are permanently plastered on our faces. Suddenly, we’re thrashing about some more. We end up with you falling to the ground. And of course, you wrap your arms around my legs, and pull me down with you. More thrashing occurs. My golden blonde hair flying all over, lightly contrasting to yours that is dark. More questioning glances shot at me, and I’d simply point to random spots around the abandoned parking lot, claiming that’s where the important letter was thrown. But even by straining your eyes, you still can’t see it. So you give up on my accusations, and just sit on the cold ground.

I realize that we’re somehow tangled up together. Arms and legs intertwined, still gasping for air. Still giggling to ourselves, and I love every minute of it. We talk quietly to eachother, laughing from time to time. Joking lightly. And I still hold you close to me. Time continues to pass, but it goes unnoticed. After much determination, we finally pull eachother up off of the blacktop. Noticing prints left in our hands from the gravel, and aches that had started from the long period of discomfort on the ground. But instead of going home, you take my hand and we walk towards the metal gates enclosing the silent playground, our playground. There’s no one around, just you and me, and it excites me. After a few glances around to see if we really are alone, we are.

We slowly walk towards our favorite green slide. The one with little bumps throughout it. It’s out of plain view from the public. Shadows cast all over the park, and we can hear the rumble of cars passing by up the hill. But I feel safe. And I’d never felt so alive. We stop in front of the slide, ready to take our usual spots. I sit down at the bottem, and lean back so that I’m laying down. The only part of me that isn’t, are my feet that are on the ground. You inch your way on top of me.

Almost your full weight is on me, but you’re careful not to hurt me. I feel pressure, but I feel no pain at all, just comfort. A warm, soft comfort. And all mine. Your warmth and heavenly scent made the anxiety of you finding the letter disappear. I was a little uneasy, you being just inches away from it. But the letter was on the inside, and you were on the out. You lower your head, and your face is close to mine. We gaze at eachother for a little, and then your soft lips are on mine. Happiness, security. And most of all, love, swell inside of me. Your fingers move through my hair, as I lightly stroke your back.

Kiss after kiss, and then you lean upwards abruptly . You felt me shivering with cold. In just a light weight navy blue sweatshirt, I am not dressed for a wintery night in January. You selflessly take off your silky winter coat. You lightly push my arms close to my sides, cover me with your coat, and tuck me in on the sides near the edges of the slide. I see your gentle eyes sparkle in the moon light. I stop you from leaning down, and take the jacket off of me. I remember that you’ve been picking up a cold recently. That doesn’t matter to you, but I won’t take no for an answer. You look at me confusedly, as I pull you close to me once again, and drape the jacket over you, covering us both. Creating a blanket of both cotton and body heat.

You then reach towards the hood of your coat, and pull it down over both of our heads. And I see nothing. The only way I could tell you were still with me, was the warm breath that I felt on my face. The most peaceful darkness I’d ever known. I fumble through the dark and find my destination, your warm lips. I close my eyes, and go with the flow. A million thoughts rushing through my head. My heart beating crazily. I feel electricity all over, that I know will stay with me always. After what seems like forever, we pull the hood off of our heads, and are exposed to the cold stillness around us at once. If time made no difference, and neither did temperature, I would have paused this moment in time. But you then eye me suspiciously, noting that my chest looks like it grew. Oops. My secret has just been revealed, and we both laugh. You , smiling with success. And me, smiling uneasily with humor, and the slightest tinge of worry that the letter-stealing game would begin again. I finally ask if you want the letter back.

“You know I always let you keep my letters, dear.” And with that, the feelings rush back to me as soon as you kiss me lightly on the lips once again, and what I hoped to be forever.